When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
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Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.