couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job