@Mr_Kapowski: Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects
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@jonnysun: [puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
@rebrafsim: Genie: you have three wishes Me: I wish we never met Genie: but then how would I grant... Me: your problem
@vapidcontent: accidentally said "bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy" out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee's said "Okay, it's been fun here I quit"
@lilgapeach30: If an officer asks "do you know why I pulled you over" "Because it's the only way to get girls to talk to you?" is a bad answer, apparently.