@Mr_Kapowski: Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects
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@IamEnidColeslaw: watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you're welcome
@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
@upsidedowntrash: ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them PRIEST: Those are your vows?
@AmandaDuberman: Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.