Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Guantanamo Bae