Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Come back with a warrant
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
🌱🌱🌱
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.