Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.