Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
You Might Also Like
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“What movie?” 🤔
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.