Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
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“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation