I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Monday Lisa
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*