If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me: