@WheelTod: Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it's always the same damn advice: "Lay off the methamphetamine."
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@internetluke: [leaving HS reunion w/ date] Aren't you going to ask why everybody was calling me 'smelly boy' tonight? "Seemed pretty clear I thought"
@TheMichaelRock: Some guy told me I wasn't funny today, so I punched him in his face because nobody likes liars.
@ericsshadow: [me holding a door] PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks. ME: sorry, i'm married, but in time you'll get over me.
@weinerdog4life: Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.