Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
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Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane