Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors