‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
You Might Also Like
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
wtf management?!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?