Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
He a real one for that
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.