If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
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If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.