[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
peep davidson