@nPhelendriqal: Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as "Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang."
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@unravelingfire: Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex? Ma'am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it's weird.
@DirtMcTurd: I don't need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
@Ristolable: *gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] "Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"
@WritePlay: PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels HER: Shouldn't it be - HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA