Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“I FIXED IT!”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today