Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
The three genders
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up