If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.