Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Hilarious if literal: arms race
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.