Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.