@dshack8: Anytime I'm watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn't use them.
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@IGotsSmarts: Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that's big enough.
@briangaar: Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought "damn magic is dope as hell." #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
@Velocycrator: Whenever I'm alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I'm a carrot.
@AnkCoupleTO: [mall food court] Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no