Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Writing, She Murdered.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.