The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
The first one, obviously
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.