I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)