Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Monday
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
i prefer mine room temperature.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”