AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
You Might Also Like
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*weighs self after shaving
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.