if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
You Might Also Like
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Steam Forums
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.