[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
We’ve all been there…
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.