[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.