[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Storm Tropical Storm
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”