[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
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Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.