APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.