Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
This is a whole mood;
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person