Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience