Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7