My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
what the