Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
You Might Also Like
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
😲 WTF? 😆
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.