Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.