Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
lmao
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds