Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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do u think theres a butter planet?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .