@JohnLyonTweets: Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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@internetluke: [restaurant] *motions for waiter* Waiter! Bill please! *Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests* Thanks Bill!
@markleggett: People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.
@TheHyyyype: ME: my wife and i are having a baby! FRIEND: wow, that's amazing! congratulations! sex? ME: yes, that's how we made the baby...
@KateWhineHall: Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.