Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.