Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
My love language is hissing.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*