@Storminika: My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he's no good in bed anyway.

@iwearaonesie: 9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad? me: Drunk 9: What's mom gonna be? me: Mad

@_2Birds1Stoned_: If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

@kumailn: "Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers." "What about my atm card which holds all my money?" "Any 4 numbers in a row."

@J0hnnyBlaze: "Omg, I literally just died" -people who literally don't know what literally means