Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
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Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
When your man makes a valid point
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Sign of the day..
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.