*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
#CoronaOutbreak
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
You are what you delete.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician