Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*