When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!