Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
You Might Also Like
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Geez man, take it easy.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done