Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos