Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
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lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.